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An Open Letter to My Mormon Community About Black Lives Matter

My Dear Mormon Community, 

I’ve been trying to write this letter for days. Trying to find the right words, the right tone, and the right way to phrase things isn’t an easy task. Nothing seems adequate and if I’m being really honest with myself, I’m not sure the ones who need to read this actually will. You see, I’m your resident post-Mormon—the one who left—so it’s easy for believing members to discount anything critical I say about the church. I’ve been called angry, bitter, unreasonable, and mentally ill for my decision to step away. It’s okay, I get it. So please, hear me out for a bit. Listen before you decide I’m full of it. You can always go back to thinking I’m wrong after you’ve read my letter.

These last few weeks have been really intense, and we all know why;  the news and the protests, the memes and articles passing around on social media. We’re rubbing up close to our friends and family’s political leanings that we may or may not exactly share. These weeks are a page in our history books that our grandchildren will one day read. Except, right now there’s a dividing line and it’s stark: either you support the protests and change brought about by George Floyd’s murder, or, well…you don’t. 

This week I took the opportunity to “mute” or “unfriend” everyone who falls in the “don’t” category. Normally I believe in surrounding myself with people who hold different views, if for no other reason than it challenges me to research and confront my own ideas. But on this issue, I draw the line because I cannot tolerate the tolerance of the intolerable. This is too much and I’m frustrated at the lack of listening in these social media spaces.

I wasn’t surprised by who I was “muting” and “unfriending.” No one who I unfriended made me sit back and say, “Oh my gosh, really? She thinks that way?” Usually the only thing escaping my lips was a long sigh or a mumbled, “Of course.” As I reflected on this division between the “supporters” and the “non-supporters,” I realized a common factor: I wasn’t “unfriending” people from a particular political party, I was “unfriending” my Mormon community. The ones exhibiting the worst behavior on social media were my dear Mormons. This wasn’t one or two instances or people, but a one-after-the-other kind of a deal. 

I tried my best to explain with love and patience, to back up my reasoning with facts and figures, to show what was happening by pointing to Black voices and experiences. The Black community has been trying to explain their frustration and pain for a very, very long time. Each time I tried to engage with another Mormon about this issue, I was dismissed. I get it, you don’t want to hear what this post-Mormon is saying. However, I had hoped you would listen to what others are saying and not disregard my words because we disagree on the church. I thought, perhaps, you could at least acknowledge the issues and problems, the hurt and pain. 

Within the church, outsiders aren’t really listened to; I was born and raised in this religion and lived a decade of my adult life as a faithful member. During my time in the church, I had a very real sense of “us vs. them” with the “them” being non-members. I was taught again and again that God loves me when I pray the Mormon way, when I dress the Mormon way, and when I act the Mormon way. Those things didn’t just mean God was pleased with me, it meant I was better than anyone who didn’t follow the Mormon way. God loved me more because I was Mormon.

I can already hear you saying, “You’re wrong! We don’t teach that, we don’t say that. We love everyone just as God loves everyone.”

My response to that is to think about the last time you heard someone in the church say, “He’s not a member, but he’s still a good person.” I personally heard that just two days ago. Being a church-going Mormon is an automatic qualifier of goodness. If being a member didn’t matter to someone’s goodness, then we wouldn’t automatically trust the Mormon salesman, the Mormon doctor, or the Mormon politician. How many authors are on the bookshelves of Deseret Book for no other reason than they’re Mormon? I’ve seen Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight being sold at Deseret Books as well as Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game. Those aren’t Mormon books, but they’re written by Mormons. 

So, again, the question always comes back to this: are they a member? If not, that’s okay because they can still be good.

My dear Mormons, that’s a problem. By setting up this “us vs. the other” type of thinking, we’re too quick to discount what other’s have to say. If it doesn’t come from the church, then it must be wrong, not as correct, not as worthy, or not as good.

Again, I can hear you say, “You’re wrong! We have NEVER said that.”

Then let me present you this:

Of the remaining Mormons on my Facebook feed, almost all of them have shared President Nelson’s statement that was co-written with the NAACP. The church has done the bare minimum by putting out a statement against racism that Mormons can hold up. Mormons can now point to that and say “See? We’re not racist. We’re not the problem!”

Now, how many of those same Mormons posted the Salt Lake Tribune’s article, “Despite joining President Nelson in call to end racism, NAACP would like to see the LDS Church do more”?

Not many. 

More specifically, this an excerpt from that article:

Indeed, the two organizations have collaborated on a handful of employment and education initiatives. But those were “minor efforts,” Colom [who is authorized to speak on behalf of the NAACP] said. They “do not befit the stature and magnitude of what the LDS Church can do and should do.”

The NAACP is “looking forward to the church doing more to undo the 150 years of damage they did by how they treated African Americans in the church,” Colom said, and by their “endorsement of how African Americans were treated throughout the country, including segregation and Jim Crow laws.”

Which one are you more ready to say is wrong? Which one do you automatically support? Which one are you more willing to believe about history and the issues of systemic racism? Which one will you discount first: the church or the NAACP?

If you’re ready stand up and say, “The church doesn’t have a history in racism!” then I’m sorry to inform you otherwise.

The church didn’t just ban black men from holding the priesthood until 1978. The ban meant black families couldn’t be sealed together in the temple. Black men and women couldn’t receive their endowments; those saving ordinances that are essential for one to get into the highest kingdom of Heaven. Also, by not being able to hold the priesthood, Black men couldn’t hold any leadership positions in the church. They couldn’t be bishops, branch presidents, quorum leaders, counselors, or even pass the sacrament.

And what about Jane Manning James? She was a Black woman pioneer who petitioned the first presidency to be sealed to Joseph Smith based on promises that were made before his death. In 1894, she was eventually sealed to him—but as a servant and not as a child (which is what she had been promised by Emma Smith). She wasn’t even allowed in the temple for her sealing, but someone had to stand in as a proxy while she waited outside. She tried, again, to petition to be sealed to Joseph Smith as an adopted child, but her request was denied. I haven’t found an instance or record in which it has been rectified. 

Additionally, Mark E. Petersen (an apostle of the church) said in 1954, “If that Negro is faithful all of his days, he can and will enter the Celestial Kingdom. He will go there as a servant, but he will get a Celestial resurrection.” The idea that Blacks were less superior and valiant within the church went far beyond the Civil War and all the way up until the priesthood ban was lifted—almost a decade after the Civil Rights Movement.

Regarding the Civil Rights Movement, Ezra Taft Benson said the it was a tool of communism during the October 1967 General Conference. The next year, Deseret Book republished the talk as a pamphlet titled: “Civil Rights: Tools of Communist Deception.”

“But that’s all in the past,” I can hear you say. “They were speaking as men of their time. That doesn’t reflect the church’s current position. Look at what the church is doing now!”

First, things that happened a long time ago can still affect current day thoughts and practices. It sets a precedent for people to follow and if we’re not good at recognizing harmful thoughts and ideas, they continue to be perpetuated.

Second, we are all men and women of our time. Just because it was acceptable years ago, doesn’t make it right. What it does is give us an explanation for why nothing more was done about it at the time or why it was allowed to continue for so long. Harriet Tubman was a woman of her time. She was born around 1820 and grew up in the same years that Joseph Smith was establishing Mormonism. She also claimed to have visions from God and was deeply spiritual. Why was God telling her to be an abolitionist and helping her free slaves while telling Brigham Young to support slavery at the same time? 

Third, the church talks a lot about it’s history. Every four years we have another lesson manual for us to follow all about the founding of the church through early pioneer life in Utah. I’ve been taught again and again about the Hawn’s Mill Massacre and how the Mormons were driven from Missouri and Illinois. I’ve sat through many pageants centered around Joseph Smith and Brigham Young and the Utah Territory. You can’t even graduate from BYU without passing at least one church history class! We talk about our history and heritage all the time. Why is it okay to talk about the Mormon Extermination Order but not about how the church didn’t oppose eternal servitude? Why can’t we talk about the priesthood ban and the implications of that within our Mormon community? These things are also part of our history and they should be discussed. Discussing issues within our community shouldn’t stop us because it’s uncomfortable. That’s how we learn and grow and better understand others. 

Lastly, I am looking at what the church is doing now and I am not seeing much. The church still hasn’t formally shown contrition for it’s racist past. I’d always been taught that the first steps towards repentance and forgiveness is to recognize your wrongdoing and apologize. The church has done what it can to disavow and distance itself from its racist past and teachings, but I haven’t seen or heard an apology. Disavowing and distancing isn’t the same as recognizing and repenting. If someone stole something from you and years later you confront them about it, and their reaction is “But I don’t do that anymore. Stop talking about it.” you wouldn’t feel heard or validated or understood.  You would feel dismissed because the conversation over the wrongness of the act and the ways to make it right hasn’t been had. 

So that is why I look to the individual members. The leadership of this church seems unwilling to apologize. Change can either come from the top and trickle down, or the bottom can demand change from those above them. If the leaders of the church won’t do more, then the members must.

A handful of Mormons have raised their voices in support of Black Lives Matters, but those are “fringe” Mormons. I call them “fringe” because they’re not exactly mainstream. Either their belief in the church is nuanced enough that I won’t be surprised if they leave in the next year or so, or they have children in the LGBTQAI+ community and have had a front row seat to their children’s pain. They have to be nuanced in order to fully accept their children and be faithful members of the church. The one Mormon friend who is a true-believing member and supports BLM happens to be a BIPOC (Black, Indigenous Person Of Color) themselves. These aren’t your typical, Utah-bred Mormons.

When this handful of Mormons speak up by pointing out problems and presenting solutions, the ones pushing against them the most is other Mormons. The ones most unwilling to engage in understanding and discussion are church going, scripture reading, General-Conference-listening, I-pray-daily Mormons. Most heartbreakingly is when the BIPOC Mormon tried to share their experiences and advice, a member from their ward told them to stop talking because they were “tired of hearing about this.” This was the first time I’d ever seen this person talk about their experience and they were readily shut down because a white member of their ward was “uncomfortable.” 

My Mormons, it shouldn’t be this way!

When Christ taught about the Good Samaritan, it wasn’t just a lesson about serving others. It was about overcoming biases that have been passed down generation after generation. The Samaritans weren’t liked or respected during Christ’s time. 

When Christ taught about the shepherd who left the 99 to go after the one, it was because the one was hurt and needed help. I don’t recall the 99 saying “What about me? Don’t I matter as well?”

When Christ was asked to judge the woman caught in adultery and he said, “Ye without sin, cast the first stone,” it was about understanding another’s pain and life. My favorite part of that story is what came after, when Christ brought the woman to her feet and didn’t condemn her. He saw right through to her heart and embraced her. He heard her pain and sorrow.

I want this church to be more Christ-centered. I could almost—almost—excuse it’s past misdeeds if I felt it was making a better effort to own up to it’s mistakes and continue on with a more charitable, progressive stance. Instead, I see the leadership do the bare minimum and the members follow their example by do even less. Again and again, I’ve seen believing members dismiss the protesters because of the violence, yet I’m not sure I’ve ever seen them listen in the first place. Colin Keapernick taking a knee was “too unpatriotic.” Black Lives Matter was “too exclusive.” There have been calls for peace, but do you want peace or do you want silence? Because, every time the issue is brought up, you shrug your shoulders, roll your eyes, and say, “Not again.”

I can’t stay silent anymore and I can’t ignore the anguish of the Black community. I can’t tell them to “tone it down” because they’ve been telling us for a very long time about the injustices they deal with every single day.  I can’t look at the issue and say, “I’m not the problem, this doesn’t apply to me,” because it does apply to me. I live in this world, I teach the next generation, and I vote every chance I get. We don’t function in our own little bubble; our lives are interconnected. 

My dear Mormons, I expect more from you. I want you to surprise me. I want you to sit down and listen. I want you to learn and grow. I want you to educate yourself on these matters, to pick up a book and learn the history of racial injustices that came after the Civil War and not just in the context of Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech. I want you, just for a moment, to step outside of yourself and consider how someone else might feel and experience life. Maybe, just maybe, you’d be out there protesting, too.

If you want to read more about racism, then let me recommend the book White Fragility. You can do the research for yourself and still come away thinking I’m full of crap. We’ll never know if you don’t do the work.

Your resident post-Mormon,
September Marden

The Busy Mormon Life

Over a month ago I had one of those annoying-but-not-a-big-deal moments with Mormonism. Obviously, living in a mixed faith household means it happens on occasion. When it does, I inwardly roll my eyes and let it go. Not a big deal, it’s just something that comes with the territory.

Except, over this last month I kept thinking back on it. The thought would pop back into my head and I’d have to sigh and roll my eyes again. I guess it wasn’t as small as I originally thought.

Almost six weeks ago we were told to shelter in place. That same week an email came from the stake president to everyone in the stake. I skimmed it, just to know if there were any changes about to impact my family.

It was the usual rhetoric about having faith and being in God’s hands. There was even particular praise for the bishops (but not the Relief Society presidents) and instructions from the general authorities about monthly sacraments. One paragraph, however, caught my eye. I’m going to paraphrase it because I want to keep what little shred of anonymity I have. 

Basically, Mr. Stake President urged members to not “idle away in front of the tv, video games, social media, and other unedifying entertainment.” We should all remember to seek after those things which are “honest, true, chaste, benevolent, and virtuous.” Now is especially not the time to sit back.

Perhaps it was because I was coming down from a day of utter exhaustion and stress, but all I could think was “REALLY?? What the fuck do you think I’m doing over here? Do you honestly think everyone is treating this as a vacation?”

It felt like a slap in the face. Nobody I’ve talked with was treating this as a time to relax and take it easy. Nobody was saying “Finally! I can now watch ten hours of Netflix and scroll to the bottom of reddit.” That’s just not reality! Everyone I know was stressed to the max. Everything had turned upside down in the matter of days, if not hours. We’re home, but there’s no way we were relaxing.

Of course, it’s not just this tone deaf message that irked me. Something much deeper within me was touched. When I was a Mormon, I was endlessly busy with the checklist of living the “good Mormon life.” There was always more I should be doing—more praying, more studying the scriptures (not just read them, mind you. I had to STUDY them!), more visiting teaching (now called ministering), and more fulling all my callings. On top of all that, I should make time to regularly attend the temple (at least once a month), organize weekly Family Home Evenings, write in my journal, and do my share of family history work. 

Are you exhausted yet? Because I feel exhausted just remembering it all. 

It was a never ending stream of “have-to’s” and “I should be.” 

I have to read my scriptures. 

I should be planning my next lesson. 

I have to listen to this conference talk.

I should be at the temple. 

This pressure came with weekly reminders every Sunday. Lessons, talks, testimony meeting… Most Sundays I’d come home either feeling reinvigorated to get more done, or feeling like I was failure because I had yet to establish a nightly family scripture reading, do any visiting teaching, and start my family history. All these things had to be done on top of the normal, everyday living tasks most humans do—plus all the things I really wanted to do in my life. Whatever I did was never quite enough, but I needed to do these things. I had been promised again and again that God would bless me and my family. If I didn’t, blessing would be denied us.

Looking back, I think “Is it any wonder that I constantly jumped between overwhelmed, discouraged, and frustrated?” Of course, I never showed those feelings as they were pushed far, far down inside me and what came out was depression. It was always me that was broken, never the system. If only I get my act together and do all the things God wants me to do, then I’d be happy and fulfilled.

It is this part of my past—those memory, ideas, and feelings—that touched me again when I read the stake president’s email. It was also the implication that because church wasn’t happening that meant all the “church things” were also being relaxed. I can only imagine how I would have felt if I read those words while I was still a believing Mormon. On top of the stress and tenseness of everything around me, I would suddenly have a heap of guilt. It wasn’t enough to survive the day, I need to also keep up with all the church things. 

Those first few weeks of sheltering in were hard for our family. On top of the fear and anxiety of the situation, we struggled with work schedules, home schooling, canceling major plans, and missing friends. We walked through each day in a half-daze as we bounced between keeping it all together and watching the news. We weren’t “doing much” but each day ended in exhaustion. Our “down time” was bingeing Netflix or playing video games. It was our way to cope and decompress. Were they “edifying?” Probably not. I don’t care, it was what we needed.

Life is busy enough without the “Mormon checklist.” At a pivotal point in my faith crisis, I asked myself “Do you want to be a good person, or a good Mormon?” I laughed at first, thinking “isn’t that the same thing?” But in the silence that followed, I realized that wasn’t true. 

To be a good Mormon, I had to check the checklist and follow all the rules. I lived the letter of the law, thinking it would bring me all the happiness I lacked. 

To be a good person, I got to decide where to put my energy and time. I could focus on patience, empathy, and kindness for my fellow humankind. I could just “be good” without the feeling I was lacking something. It was enough to be kind, generous, and…well, myself!

When I said, “I want to be a good person!” I suddenly felt a sense of relief. I didn’t have to read my scriptures, pray every day, and do all those Mormon things in order to be considered “good.” As I stopped judging myself on the yardstick of Mormonism, I saw how quick I was able to outgrow it. I no longer needed Mormonism as a measure of my worth.

So, Mr. Stake President, please know that I’m busy and I’m not idling away in “unedifying ways.” My life is filled to the brim. It’s full of the wonder and awe of experiencing who I am and of knowing how powerful I can be. I’m secure in my worth and not the worry of “being enough.” I am doing those things which are most needed, even now during a pandemic. If that involves a stupid amount of mobile games, then so be it!

And the best part? I’m passing those thoughts and ideas onto my children.

Photo by Manthan Gupta on Unsplash

Dear Mormon Friends, your spiritual and overly positive texts aren’t helping

Earlier this week I was sipping my coffee, looking over my children’s daily lesson plans, and writing out my never ending to-do list when my phone buzzed. I quickly noticed my friend texting me. That’s not an unusual occurrence right now as sheltering in as made me fastidious texter—much more than I was before.  

This particular text was different. So much so that I let out a long sigh and rubbed my forehead as my thoughts centered somewhere between “ugh” and “Welp, there goes the morning.”

The text was from my very devout Mormon friend and it was…strange. More strange than the usual “spiritually uplifting” texts Mormons like to send. Anyone who has left the church recently (or not so recently) knows what I’m talking about. They know the feeling I’m trying to explain when a text comes in full of scriptures and Mormonisms. It’s the type that instantly makes your stomach tighten and heat form in your chest. 

The text started out as a “check-in” that quickly went from a Book-of-Mormon-scripture-share to an overly positive “Look how good I’m doing. I just LOVE all this extra family time” then ended with excitement over General Conference. I had to read it a few times because the whiplash was so bad and I was trying to figure out what, exactly, was the point of this text? Although, I could very well guess.

It’s text likes these that makes me reevaluate my friendships with my Mormon friends. I’m sure this friend had genuine concern over how my family is faring, but I also very clearly saw how she’s mixing that concern as a “missionary moment.” She might’ve thought it was subtle, but I assure you it wasn’t. Just because I left the church doesn’t mean my memory went with it. I remember the ploys, tactics, and anecdotes that were shared over the pulpit and in lessons. Those tips and tricks were passed around frequently with eager nods as if sending a spiritual text or inviting someone to participate in a church activity would be just the thing to bring people (back) to the fold.

Between printing out homeschool worksheets and pressing play on YouTube lessons, I sat down to write out a response. It took most of the morning because I wanted to respond well. My complete text was devoid of snark, but I assure you it wasn’t far away. I somehow decided early on in my exit journey to be loving, kind, and patient for the sake of friendship and building bridges. Unfortunately, my Mormon friends make that very hard and are not making it any easier.

I don’t think my believing friends understand just how much work goes into respecting their beliefs. There is so much hurt and emotion that gets pushed down and away when it comes to interacting with my Mormon community. You would think it would be easy as I’m easily able to show respect to my Catholic, Muslim, and Jewish friends, but there’s not the same emotions connected with those religions as there is with Mormonism. When it comes to that community, it’s as if I get more still, more focused. I have to maintain a smile and good nature so they don’t think I’m a bitter ex-Mormon hell bend on destroying the church. Whatever anger I have inside me must remain there as I remind myself that I value connections over beliefs. I’ve had to slowly work up to setting boundaries and some are more receptive than others.

 Because the truth about all those texts that have scriptures, quotes, and invitations is this: We know those things are important to you, that they fill you with comfort and peace, but they do the exact opposite for those who live in the post-Mormon world. 

We know you’re excited about General Conference. We know that during this stressful, chaotic time that the thought of a higher power guiding and leading is calming to you. We even know you passing around scriptures and quotes is a way to spread the steadiness and peace you crave. We know because there was a time we lived and breathed it. We haven’t forgotten that time of our lives, I promise you.

The problem is that these texts and messages don’t serve as lovely reminders or comfort. Instead, it feels dismissive over the emotional journey we’ve experienced and the healing work we’ve done. Those messages don’t serve as a way to connect because most of the time the ones sending us those messages are the same ones who’ve refused to ask any questions about our exit.

If my friend had asked me why I left the church, she would’ve known that the Book of Mormon and General Conference fill me with sadness, hurt, and frustration. She would’ve known I highly value authenticity over positivity, that I’ve become a firm realist and prefer to acknowledge that it’s okay to not be okay. 

But, she hadn’t asked, even though I’ve sent the invitation and left the door wide open. She won’t ask, which makes this whole situation all the more frustrating. It makes me wonder, is she being my friend because she genuinely enjoy my company or is it because she’s more concerned with my status as a Mormon? Am I just a project to her? I hope not, but I fear it’s so.

I would’ve liked to have a real conversation with my friend. I would’ve liked to hear about her accomplishments and struggles, to talk about how she’s balancing all these new expectations, and what she’s doing to remain sane. I would’ve liked to hear about her exhaustion and how she’s taking care of herself during all this stress. How is she managing her children’s worries? How is she taking it one day at a time? Is she also going to the bathroom just to cry when it all becomes too much? Is she taking deep breaths and then moving on to the next expected task? What movies and shows is she watching as a way to decompress? What home projects is she working on? Or maybe, what home projects has she shoved off in favor of ice cream and tv?

I got none of that. Instead, I got a woman trying to hide all her worry and hair pulling moments with positivity and a sprinkling of Mormon theology. It doesn’t make me want to connect. Actually, makes me want to distance myself even more. How can they expect anyone to connect on a human level if they cannot be open and honest about their fears, worries, and struggles?

So, please, my dear Mormon friends, these messages don’t help. I don’t feel uplifted, loved, or accepted. I don’t feel that you are seeing the person I’ve become and how much joy I’ve experienced in finding and developing this person. Instead, I feel that you are trying to minimize and dismiss everything I went through, what I experienced, and how I struggled. That you don’t see the work and effort I put in to stay, and then gracefully leave. You don’t see it, not because I wasn’t willing to share, but because you refused to look and ask. I don’t need you to leave the church to be my friend, I just need you to be real with me.

After I sent my response to my friend, I realized how much I don’t want to deal with these types of texts anymore. With all that’s going on I just don’t have time or  the energy. If you can’t reach out with real love, concern, and friendship—without also having a secondary motivation to get me back to church—then I will leave you on read. Because, I see what you’re doing. You’re reaching out so you can pat yourself on the back and feel good about yourself. I am no longer interested in being the “feel good” project for you. Connect with me as a real friend, or don’t connect with me at all. 

Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash

Mormon Women and Marriage Culture

“No, I’m not surprised she’s pregnant three months after the wedding.”

Let me set the scene. A woman in her thirties is single, but definitely looking. She wants it all—the temple wedding, the wonderful marriage, the gaggle of kids. Except, it’s harder now because she’s…well…she’s not exactly “young” anymore. She aged out of the young single adult ward years ago which means her thirty year old birthday passed without so much as a ring on her finger. Trying to find an unattached Mormon man is a bit difficult as most Mormon men her age are married. It’s not that she’s picky, either. A divorcee with kids is fine as long as she has some of her own. Getting sealed in the temple is also an absolute must, so only a Mormon man will do.

Her whole life she’s heard about the importance of marriage and children. It started in primary when her teachers showed their wedding pictures in front of the temple. Many of her youth activities centered around women’s roles as homemakers and childminders. Lessons were taught on how to support the priesthood holding men in her life. She was always encouraged to babysit, help with the housework, and to learn how to cook from scratch. She still has the handwritten note she made at fifteen where she listed all the attributes she wanted in her future husband. It was part of a Young Women’s activity where they modeled modest wedding dresses and put together collages of their future wedding. She even listed how many children she wanted! 

She was destined for marriage. How could she not be? It’s what all women are called to do and she’s always been willing. In her daily prayers she humbly asks Heavenly Father to help her find the right man to take her to the temple. It doesn’t help that every ex-boyfriend ends up marrying the next girl he dated. She’s never “the one” but she holds tightly to hope.

This thirty-odd year old women is well loved by everyone in her life. Really!Everyone constantly says how adorable, funny, smart, sweet, and charitable she is. Plus, she’s great with kids (because she wants some of her own). How someone hasn’t swept her off her feet yet is a complete mystery. She clearly wants marriage and children and her friends want that for her as well. Despite everyone’s best effort and intentions, it just doesn’t happen. 

Finally, one of her friends sets her up with a guy they know. He’s also aged out of the young single adult ward and faces the same predicament of not really fitting in with all those families in a regular ward. He also desperately wants to be married.  They hit it off immediately and everyone agrees they are the cutest couple. Honestly…they are! 

They marry within a year of that wonderful first date. Everyone, especially the happy couple, breathes easier.

Within months of the wedding she announces her pregnancy. Again, everyone is ecstatic. A baby is on the way! How wonderful!

Then one person privately says to a few others, “I sorta hoped she’d have waited a bit. You can’t get that newlywed time back!”

Sigh.

Therein lies the problem. I understand the sentiment and the worry—a baby changes everything!—but you can’t have it both ways. You can’t simultaneously preach that marriage and family are the most important things in this world, that a woman’s main purpose and goal should be marriage and children, and that the main thing that sets her apart from everyone else is her lack of man and child, then be saddened when she rushes into it. Given everything involved, situations like this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Marriage and children are a huge, important part of Mormon culture and an unmarried adult is a menace to Mormon society—at least that’s how a lot of the leadership seem to act.

So let’s talk about this marriage culture within Mormonism. 

I remember my first year at BYU we had a “special” stake conference. Our stake president impressed the importance of attending. He had a very special message to give us. 

The main point of this talk? Dating. We needed to date in a way that would lead to a temple marriage. Basically, we were commanded to pair off, stop group dating, and never put off marriage. At the time I was barely eighteen.

Going a bit further, I remember young women lessons and mutual activities where I made lists of qualities I wanted in my future husband. We then looked through magazines for modest wedding dresses and put collages together of our dream wedding—complete with color schemes and centerpieces. I wasn’t sixteen yet, the proper age for Mormons to begin dating.

Most of my church lessons related someway to our future family. Budgeting, cooking, housework—it was all to prepare us for our future home with children. Even lessons about continuing education were taught through the slant of “do something that will work around your kid’s schedule” or “make sure you get a degree in case something bad should happen to your husband and you need to work.” Choosing a path that interested me or I was passionate about was pushed away and deemed not “family friendly” enough. Conversations about my role in my future family started when I was twelve, but I’m sure it subtly started when I was much younger.

These lessons and activities came to me multiple times a year—at least once a month. Not only was I learning this at church, but it was also taught at my mother’s knee. She always made sure to emphasized that every decision I made would affect my future husband and children. I was going to be a stay-at-home mom because it was the best thing for a family. Period. The idea that I might not want to marry, that I might want to put off having children, or that I may find actual joy and accomplishment in a career was never considered. My role was crystal clear: I would be a wife and mother first and everything else, including myself, came second.

Is it any wonder, then, that at the ripe old age of twenty I found myself married? I was actually quite proud of my accomplishment as I was the first in my group of Mormon friends to “make it.” My wedding day was filled with a sense of relief because I was married, which meant my life could now begin.

Is it also any wonder that at age twenty-two, when I was feeling lost and out of place, that the solution was having a baby? I was pushing it a bit, wasn’t I? I mean, I’d been married for two years now. I was sitting at the crossroads between finishing school or having a baby and I just couldn’t see the point of putting more money and time into my education and then barely eking out a career only to stop it all be a stay-at-home mom. Careers, passions, and aspirations were just placeholders for my true purpose, anyway.

So, of course, the one thing that surprised me most about having children wasn’t how hard it was or how much things changed. It was all the things that didn’t change. Those dreams, desires, and aspirations I thought would go away? I still had them. They never left. I had the idea that everything I wanted in life would mean nothing to me once I had that baby in my arms. Instead what I found was that I was the same women as before. I still held all the same desires and goals—only now I was holding a baby. Motherhood didn’t change me as much as I thought it would.

I don’t think I’m alone in that realization. I don’t think I’m the only woman who assumed things like hobbies, careers, education, and dreams only served as the “back up plan” as we all waited to be carried off to the temple. Life for a woman only truly begins once she has a child.

Years ago I was sitting in the Women’s General Conference when one of the women speakers talked about this topic. She related a story from her personal life. She was the woman who longed to be married, the one who was a bridesmaid and never a bride. She watched all her friends marry and she was still—heartbreakingly—single. Since marriage wasn’t happening she focused on her career in childhood education. She was very successful and eventually became a principal. Just when she had given up hope, she started dating a widower who had a handful of children. She feel in love, they married, and she quit her career to be a stay-at-home stepmom. She said all her years in childhood education prepared her for this very moment. Her life is now truly fulfilled. 

When she was done an anger surged up inside me. I couldn’t explain it, I just knew I was upset and no one seemed to understand when I tried to explain. This woman was happy now, wasn’t that enough? Wasn’t is wonderful that her life was fulfilled? She finally, after years of faith filled prayers and patient waiting, received the a family. Why should that cause such hard feelings within me?

Years later and now I understand that anger. I was angry at hearing the same lesson I had heard all my life—that everything I do is for marriage and children, that I have nothing of my own, and that a woman isn’t really happy or fulfilled unless she’s attached to a husband and children. Anything that comes before that isn’t real happiness. There are no women in the church who manage to have an identity all to herself. There’s only women who are married and those who are not. Those who are not need to explain themselves and are pitied. Even Sheri Dew is known more for her single status rather than anything she has done or taught. Is a woman really a woman if she’s not married with children?

So, when I hear about a woman who is the last of her friends to get married, who at thirty felt like a failure because she didn’t have a ring on her finger, and who finally found someone after all these years, I’m not at all surprised that she’s pregnant three months after the wedding. After all, she has been taught everything before was only a way to pass the time and prepare her for her true purpose. That true purpose, of course, only started when a little blue line became visible on that pregnancy stick. 

Of course she did not wait. Why would she? Everything in her life has prepared her for this very moment. She has been judged and pitied for her unmarried status. Countless lessons and talks from the time she was twelve (or younger) centered around marriage and her main role as mother. Time is now shorter for her and she has less time to squeeze in (or out) a large family. She’s waited long enough, thank you very much, and she will not wait a moment more.

As I said before, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t repeatedly tell women that their sole purpose is child bearing, encourage that purpose at every turn, then be surprised or saddened when they rush into it head first.

Perhaps we should be teaching our girls that they have purpose and worth outside of marriage and children. Because, in complete honesty, I don’t want my daughters picking out wedding dresses before they even start dating. I don’t want my daughters feeling the pressure to get married just as they’re starting their adult lives. I don’t want my daughters to limit themselves to only a handful of possibilities when a sea of opportunities are open for them to explore. I don’t want my daughters to feel bad for not being married before twenty-one and then think a baby will fix the sense of of feeling lost so common in early adulthood.

What I want is for my daughters to decide what fulfills them rather than being told what should by men old enough to be their great-grandfathers. I want my daughters to live the lives they want, one designed by them, and then be unapologetic about it. I want life partners and children to add to my daughters’ already full lives, not become their life.

I just want my daughters to live a life for themselves—one they can be happy and proud of whether or not they have a life partner or children.